What Not to Wear

As I was dawdling across the interwebs this week, I came across an article, a Wikihow, that’s so patronising and quite frankly terrible that I had to rip it to shreds and share it with you all here.

The article is entitled How to Look Wonderful while being Plus Sized, and just in case you think I made it up, you can read it yourself here: http://www.wikihow.com/Look-Wonderful-While-Being-Plus-Sized

It starts off quite literally laying the foundations for that perfect figure with the suggestion that if you want to look decent in anything at all, you need shapewear. Now, I am a fan of shape wear under the right circumstances…body con and floaty dresses can look a bit bumpy with VPL and knicker lines on show.

He (yes, the article seems to be written by a man) also advises us not to be scared of underwear.

“Don’t be afraid to indulge yourself with a pretty lacy bra or pair of panties. Feel confident about what you have on underneath it all.”

I can’t remember the last time I was afraid of buying underwear, can you? Mildly annoyed at not being able to find anything pretty in my size, perhaps, but that’s another blog post right there.

We then move on to actual clothes, and of course ‘solid colours’ and low maintenance patterns.

Can anybody tell me what a low maintenance pattern is?

The lovely Becky from the Mrs Be Be Blog (http://www.mrsbebeblog.co.uk) in what looks like it might be a high maintenance pattern. Looking GORGEOUS.

A particular favourite line is: “Often time’s plus-sized women are warned of the woes of wearing white; ignore that! White can be flattering to any size woman when worn in a flattering style.”

(My apologies for the rogue apostrophe there, I left it in for comedic effect.) Thank you Mister Man for allowing us fatties to wear white. In a flattering style, of course. What styles are flattering to us chubsters, pray tell?

Is this flattering enough?

(From the Nadia Abolhousn collection for BooHoo.com: http://www.boohoo.com/restofworld/boohoo-plus/nadia/icat/nadia)

Well, flattering can’t be loose, because loose, baggy clothing is unflattering. Baggy layers will make us look bigger. Anything tight will accentuate our ‘unflattering bumps’. For a fashion expert (cough) he’s also really rubbish at spelling ruching, which along with wrap styles is the only cut he thinks will flatter us. He does love that ‘f’ word.

(Also from the Nadia Abolhousn collection for BooHoo.com: http://www.boohoo.com/restofworld/boohoo-plus/nadia/icat/nadia)

Of course, the old chestnut about dainty jewellery was dragged out; we must only wear chunky if we’re chunky. I happen to love a bold, statement necklace but I do have some understated stuff too. Why shouldn’t we be allowed to be demure and elegant?

Just when you were thinking he couldn’t patronise us any more, he added, “Shoes are something you can fit into at a traditional department store”

In other words, “Yes, I know you’re too fat for most of Debenhams but you might be able to squeeze your feet into some comfy shoes.”

He then has the gall to start lecturing about diet and exercise, as well as keeping our faces looking pretty “She has such a pretty face, such a shame she has an arse with its own postcode.”

His last point?

“Compliment yourself consistently. Negative self-talk is a major source of anxiety and bitterness towards your body. Make a list of your assets, and focus on those on a daily basis.”

Who needs negative self-talk when we have articles like that to make us feel good about ourselves?

Makes me want to take my unflattering bumpy bits out in a white body con dress with no shape-wear, and a high-maintenance patterned cardi over the top for added unflattering layers.

There’s only one fashion rule for fatties, and that’s tall fatties like me as well as medium and short fatties. Wear what makes you feel great. That’s all. What’s your favourite clichéd style rule?

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